Me

I'm 39 this year, and (if I'm lucky), I will have lived for about half my life already. (um, does that even make sense?) I'm a woman living light years away from home, raising two kids with someone I met 16 years ago. I never got started on a career, though I did graduate college with a couple of degrees. Once Jack came along, I became a stay-at-home mom. Really, it worked out for the best, considering how much attention he's needed, in terms of therapy, etc. Plus I'm basically on-call as far as the school is concerned, if anything goes wrong. It's ok, I mean, it's my job. I'm a mom.

I do sometimes wonder what I would be doing if I didn't have kids. Not that I don't want them, or would rather not to have had them, but they do make you change your priorities. In my case, I think I've grown so drained by dealing with Jack's issues, that I couldn't even tell you what I liked to do in my spare time. Obviously I'm online- I do Facebook and all that. I read books, though sometimes I can't relax enough to read. I also really enjoy listening to music. However, I used to do crafts. I wrote poetry, and short stories. I (maybe) even took better care of myself. Much of this has gone by the wayside. I certainly don't blame Jack, or motherhood. There are plenty of moms still living the life (or so it seems). There are moms out there getting mani's and pedi's, and going to book clubs, and doing a girl's night out. I think I've gotten to the point where I'm afraid to interact with other people. I have absolutely not even gone out once with anybody (aside from family, or on a play date meeting up at a park or something) in the last 10 years. Is that pathetic or what? I had a friend who wanted to drop in one time, on her way through town. While normally I shy away from that sort of thing, I decided to just go for it. I bought a new outfit, and the husband was ready to watch the kids for me. Then she calls after passing the city by, to let me know that she wouldn't make it. I was pretty darn pissed, I have to say. So the last couple of times she wanted to stop by, I said thanks but no thanks.

I don't have much in the way of self confidence, and I've really lost sight of who I am as a woman. I don't even think of myself as a woman, to be honest. That word sounds.. wrong. I absolutely feel stuck in limbo, and don't know what to do about it. Shutting myself away from the world doesn't seem to be the answer, so I guess I have some serious soul searching to do. Everything new - every step closer to the outside of the proverbial box - makes me queasy. My dad told me before he died that it's good to have a little fear. Ok, dad. I really want to believe you, and just go for it. (Just not sure I can).