Meds

Last night I attempted to go to bed around 10pm. This is pretty much the usual, and has been since I can remember. The problem is that my stomach was in absolute knots. This could have been from the Excedrin Migraine I took (doing some evil upon my ulcer), or the fact that my son had yet another horrific day at school, leading to detention. So basically, I was up for hours just worrying.

I can think back to when a certain younger, male cousin of mine, needed meds for ADD or ADHD- honestly, I'm not sure which. I only know from talking to his older sister, that he didn't like to take them, and often hid them under his mattress. Knowing how rough his family life was at times, my thought was that he didn't need medication, but needed someone he could really talk to. I still would like to believe that most kids just need somebody they can confide in, who actually gives a crap. You know? But being the parent of a child with all sorts of problems, I have been forced to realize that sometimes you just have to go there. I'm still not for medicating a child for the heck of it, and I absolutely cringe when I heard a teacher admit that their lives would be so much easier if parents would drug their kids.

First off, drugs cost money. Doctors cost money. Insurance usually sucks, you may need to see multiple doctors, and not all meds come in generic form. If you're not lucky enough to have your County pay for therapy (of any kind), then toss that into the mile-high pile of bills parents have to deal with. I haven't gone bankrupt yet, but I'm well aware that families just can't deal with the financial side of special needs. So the assumption that it's just "easier" to medicate a kid is just bull.

I never wanted to leap to meds with my kid. I would love nothing better than to be able to sit down with my beloved "Jack", and talk about everything that's ever bothered him in his life. His problem is that he can't talk about emotions or feelings. He shuts down. He can't deal. (Seeing a counselor didn't seem to improve the situation). Not only that, but when we talk about making better choices (after messing up), he cannot think about those better choices before messing up again. You can talk with him until you look like a smurf, and it doesn't ever matter. Maybe it's the Autism, but he doesn't really internalize the information, much less try to apply it to himself in the moment. That in and of itself isn't a reason to medicate, that's true. Then add in the fact that his emotions get the better of him. Can you successfully stop that raging bull once it sees the red cloth waving in its face? Can you talk down a lion who just saw its dinner get up and run like hell? No. And you can't stop my son from blowing his top in a way you can't even imagine, when he's really and truly upset. So this little guy that I love so much can't express himself in a socially acceptable way, he can't easily talk about emotion, but gosh-darnit does he feel them more than just about anyone I know. Watching him sometimes is just painful.

Having scored off the charts for ADHD, and ODD, and not being able to function in the classroom without serious sensory-seeking behavior (that was/is a huge distraction for everyone), it became time for me to trust that my son needed help. Something different from what we had been doing. The only thing that makes me believe that it wasn't a total mistake is that when the meds are actually doing their job, he is much calmer, and is better able to process. He can let things go that might normally make him react. He doesn't take everything the wrong way. He's actually happier. He's not a zombie, either. I love my Jack. I don't want him to be a zombie. It's the process of finding that right medication that really sucks the life out of you, though. Your world is pretty great - heck, HIS world is pretty great - when the medication is doing what it was intended to do. You've found the right dose, etc. You can actually take a moment to breathe. Then you notice it's not quite working as well as it was. Your kid takes an offer of help as a huge offense. Asking him about Pokemon leads to a "WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS STUFF?!". He can't sleep well. Suddenly the emails from school come in, and the next thing you know, you're signing "Think Sheets", and dreaming about home schooling.

Giving up on Jack is not an option. I do whatever needs to be done. But some days I do want to throw my hands up in the air. I'm tired of it, really. I'm sure he can't be thrilled with what little he does understand about his "challenges". Oh, and we haven't even hit puberty yet. God help us!

So for those of you who haven't entered the world of meds, and don't understand why any child should be on them, I guess you can consider yourself lucky. I don't think anybody really wakes up and says "Hooray for my kid taking a pill that does a, b, and c.. (but causes d, e, and f side effects). Because I think to be into that, you have to be good with your kid having a problem in the first place. And who in their right mind wants that?