Struggles with the teacher

Yesterday I received word from Jack's service coordinator with the County, that the psychologist doing his evaluation for the "redetermination" (determining if Jack still qualifies for the Autism diagnosis, and is still eligible for services), has sent in her report. She had one visit with Jack, for about an hour, but only spoke with me briefly. It was during this time of filling out the questionnaires (over the course of 2-3 weeks) that Jack was pulled from school, and I included a note with my forms that stated such, and that I wasn't sure whether or not his teacher would still be sending in any of her questionnaires. Yesterday, the service coordinator said the teacher had, and that the report implied that she and I gave pretty much the same ratings on everything. It was actually good timing when she and I filled these things out, because it was during a really rough time for Jack- many of my answers were based on behaviors I knew were taking place at school, which is really where most of his trouble has been. So now I wait for the report, and then the County does whatever their last bit of decision making involves.

This year really was a struggle. It was in 2nd grade when the principal had decided which teacher to put Jack with for 3rd, and I had to be confident, based on what was taking place at the end of 2nd grade, that 3rd would go well.. or at least better, since we had been adjusting meds, and so on. Actually, the summer between 2nd and 3rd was relatively easy for all of us, so while I was of course naturally anxious about the new school year, I wasn't completely dreading it. Funny how it didn't take long to feel the dread of every new day.

Relatively early on, we had a meeting to discuss not only the IEP meeting coming up in November, but Jack's behavior plan, which was pretty lame at the time. Nobody had really spent any time observing him, or trying to figure out what was triggering his behaviors so they could do something productive about it. Jack was rude, obnoxious, didn't want to actively learn anything.. when we had our first meeting for the school year, I sat there in shock as I listened to the teacher go on about how Jack was in her face, very close to hitting her, and that the other kids voiced their concern for her safety. (Let's not forget that she had only mentioned a couple of incidents to me via email, and I had only gotten a hint of what she was now telling me). She implied this was practically on a daily basis. The longer I sat there, the more pissed I was. I was also upset hearing that if he kept up some of the other behaviors, he was going to fall behind academically. Ok, so when the hell were you going to tell me all of this?

I could hear in the teacher's voice just how frustrated she was. I mean, I would be too if I were her. I did EVERYTHING I possibly could from the get-go to tell her about my child- everything about him. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I wanted her to understand him, and hopefully to use all the advice I gave her (including a read-over of the IEP, and ETR/MFE, and a note about what he was currently struggling with - just an "About Jack" note- all before the school year had even started), so that she could have a better understanding of how to "handle" his challenges, and use them to her benefit. She admitted a few days before school started, that she had not yet had time to read the IEP or the ETR (multi-factored evaluation on absolutely everything there is to know about Jack). I was also concerned that the principal had not really prepared her for what she would be dealing with. I mentioned that several times to her in emails, because I wanted her to know that I was totally sympathetic to what issues were coming up with Jack, and I didn't want her to feel overwhelmed. I was upset that the principal was so confident in his choice for a 3rd grade teacher, and the choice was blowing up in our faces. I didn't think it was her fault- honestly, I felt like he did this on purpose.

I got through that meeting, but I stewed. Later on, I sent an email, as polite (and respectful) an email as I possibly could send, given the information I felt was dumped on me at that meeting. ("How can we be a team when I'm not being given all of the information to make this a successful year?" is pretty much where I took it). The principal responded, but basically backtracked on what was said or (I felt) implied at the meeting, saying that Jack has had mostly great days, and that there were only two incidents where he was pointing in the teacher's face or doing anything physically aggressive. Was this because I had cc'd the Special Ed director from the district on my email? (She was at the meeting, so it was only right to include her). I think he was pissed, because he said he was "glad" that I felt so comfortable emailing his staff. LOL Nobody addressed my concerns aside from the Special Ed director, and him. (The Special Ed director, while not so much on my side as on Jack's, was very willing to hear me out and to try and understand my frustrations. She was kind enough to meet with me one on one the year before, so that I could voice my concerns about how they were handling him).

From that moment on, Jack didn't so much as sneeze without my hearing about it. They went from one extreme to the other. I got daily reports telling me about even the number of times Jack would repeat a disrespectful word or phrase to someone. (The fact the teacher bothered counting was ridiculous!) She did apologize in a way at the first parent/teacher conference about it (a conference that included the principal and Jack's Intervention Specialist), saying that she felt from my email that I wanted to know everything, and that she felt silly being so detailed, but she figured it was what I wanted. The principal mumbled something similar. (I think this was after Jack's suspension, and a couple very heated meetings between the principal and I, and my husband- with the Special Ed director, and school superintendent present). He didn't say much, and I didn't look at him.

Most of this school year has been spent pissed at the principal, frustrated with the fact that Jack's behavior was worst at school, and upset that they were more reactive than proactive (even when they vowed to do better). When they finally got around to creating a behavior plan that was supposed to be worth a darn, the Special Ed director herself did the observations. She was there numerous times, and would often meet me outside of school to say how it went. Funny that every single time, he was a perfect student. He didn't know she was there to specifically observe him. He had no warning, and it could have just as easily been a rough day for him as a great one. Yet the behaviors they wanted to observe so they could better assist him, were not present during those times. Did we just really get lucky? As much as I don't like to think this about the teacher, it seemed like the way she handled Jack was different when she was being observed. That, or the other students were better towards him (thus not giving Jack something to be annoyed about) when another adult was in the room. I don't see how else to explain it. Maybe there was nothing nefarious about it. Maybe it was simply that most people act differently (in other words "better") when someone new is there to watch their every move.

Jack really didn't fit with the teacher at all. I didn't feel the love, that's for sure. Ok, not her fault. I guess some people you just don't connect with, and Jack spent much of his time (whether he could help it or not) frustrating the hell out of her and disrupting her class. I hear they finally came to some sort of understanding.. I guess that's the most I could hope for this year. An understanding. He finally stopped getting in trouble with the Art and Music teachers, really enjoyed his Mental Health specialist (as finally they felt his behaviors warranted seeing her), started acting up in the one class he seemed to really enjoy last year (gym), continued to rub the lunch lady the wrong way, didn't seem to "dig" his Intervention Specialist as much, and came to an "understanding" with the classroom teacher.

So despite everything, I still maintained that "supportive parent" approach with Jack's teacher. It's all I could do. I even emailed some of the other teachers - offering my support, letting them know that I was open to anything they had to say, and that whenever there was a problem, I would be sure to address it at home with Jack (as usual). So when I finally had had enough of this year (the year that sucked), I figured it wouldn't be at all surprising for the teacher not to help out with the questionnaires from the County-funded psychologist. She mentioned that she got them, and I mentioned in a couple of different emails afterward that I really appreciated the time she would be putting into them, and that I wouldn't ask if it weren't so important. She hasn't responded to my last couple of emails, so I didn't know what to expect. Needless to say, I was thrilled she filled them out. (I told her we had about 2 weeks to send them in, and I pulled Jack from school right around the end of that time frame). I feel fortunate to know that she did that. For Jack? For me? Who knows. At this point, it doesn't matter, I guess. I'll probably send her a thank you note at the end of the school year, just to be nice.