Not giving up

Tuesday I managed to get Jack into a dentist (clear across town) to put something temporary on his teeth. She realized as Jack was already getting sleepy on the laughing gas, that she doesn't do anything to teeth that have had a root canal within the last week. Well, all of this happened on Friday. We still don't know whether or not the other tooth will die, but she did what she could- she built up from the top of the teeth. While it's something, it's not perfect. For one, he can't bite down on anything without the possibility of them chipping off. From the sounds of it, until he's old enough for permanent work. He's 10! An active, hyper boy of 10! He also isn't usually aware of his body movement. So I have to somehow remind him (w/out pissing him off) to not chew or bite down with his front teeth, not to press his face hard into things when seeking out sensory input, not to run like a maniac around the house and fall down the stairs onto his face (which is happening more and more for some reason), not to walk into walls, etc... You see why this will most likely be an ongoing expense. At least he had "teeth" for Picture Day yesterday, and at least he isn't walking around with broken/no teeth. I think he just looks like he's buck toothed, and it's not as appealing as he looked even when his permanent teeth grew in. (You know how awkward boys can look at this age).

I don't know if all of this is catching up with him or what, but he did not have a great last couple of days. Tuesday I knew had to be rough, because when I picked him up to go to the dentist, he was grouchy. It didn't help that a staff member wanted to know why he wasn't on the bus already. (Uh, lady. Mind your business or it's about to get real ugly). Jack was confused, because he can't take the bus. He also started to get agitated. I stepped in as quickly as possible, to tell her that I was his mom and that he doesn't take the bus. Later, as we were pulling out of the parking lot, she apologized to Jack, and made a comment that "He told me!" (Yeah lady, but good!). I just laughed and said he was good at that. LOL

On the way to the dentist, Jack ripped me a new one because I put string cheese in his lunch. How dare I? "You know how much I hate it". I really didn't know he hated it that much. It's not like I've never seen him take some out of the fridge. I was really trying to put soft things in his lunch. I didn't even get kudos for trying. LOL He was fine at the dentist, but as soon as we got back in the car, and for the rest of the evening, he was a grouch. Sensitive about everything. I emailed his teacher and IS yesterday morning to inquire about how he was on Tuesday, and to let them know that he wasn't much better- when any act of help, or any verbal reminder gets you a dirty look or raised voice (more than once or twice), I know it's not going to be a good day. Boy, I guess it wasn't.

The great thing about this new school is that they don't call to have me come in and get him when he's having a rough time. I might get a call from the principal when it's been an unusually rough morning or afternoon- like a bus suspension - but I may not hear about it until I get him, or later from the IS. I sat in the car waiting for him to come out, and finally he did, with the principal and some other lady behind him. He wasn't happy. He sort of half ran to the car, and jumped in. When the principal got there and started to let me know that he had a challenging day, he started to "roll" the window up on her. She didn't get into too much detail but I guess he was having difficulty waiting for his turn in line for pictures. I'm not sure what else transpired, but then at the end of the day, he ran out the front door with the bus riders.. when, at this school, they go out a completely different door from the parent pick-ups. (He should know this by now). So as she and this other lady explained that tomorrow was a new day (I'm starting to REALLY hate that expression), Jack informed her that "Yeah, for you to run your school".. something to that effect. Basically implying that maybe she'll figure out how to. I don't think I'll ever get used to the fact that my own flesh and blood cares so little about others - has absolutely zero respect for authority - that he would dare say something like that, much less in front of me. I'm not one to let that behavior slide. I didn't grow up that way. It just baffles me every time. I made him apologize, which he did, begrudgingly.

We're in the process of having the County refer us to a clinic run out of the local University, where they study Neurodevelopmental Psychiatry. It requires all kinds of paperwork of course, because the county will be funding it. (This would be one of those times where just barely getting qualified for services, per the County's definition of "need", comes in handy). I have been pushing for quite some time now for a psychiatric evaluation. It took pressure to get the ADHD diagnosis, and now pressure for what may or may not be a mood disorder of some kind. The psychiatrist never attempted to do anything more than prove Jack had Asperger's (which is not even the official diagnosis). So finding out that this formerly-known-as "Dual Diagnosis" clinic exists, is worth checking into.

The other night, I sat down with Jack after he flew off the handle again, because his sister didn't like his close observation of her playing Minecraft. (He was poking her chair, poking her, and I guess laughed when her character died). He was back to his "wild animal" self. He did not hurt me, but I knew he wanted to. (When I pressed him on that, he said he'd like to tie me up and put tape on my mouth, and shove me into his closet. I asked what would happen if I stopped breathing, and died? He said "Ok, I'll take the tape off of you, but you have to promise not to talk"). He kept telling me to leave his room, told me he hated me, called the staff at his school "blockheads, cretins and losers". He stuck his tongue out at me.. He never admits that he has done something wrong, or that he may be to blame for a situation. It doesn't matter that he was the only one suspended from the bus- that is clearly because the bus driver doesn't like him. He only pushed another child because they dared to stick up for their friend whose face he blew into. I did get Jack to tell me that he behaves like this- the outward physical aggression - as a way to get people to leave him alone. He figures nobody will bother him if they're afraid of him. (Though he won't admit that he did something to scare them). I recently bought a book at Barnes & Noble (well, 3, actually).. "The ADHD Workbook for Kids: Helping Children Gain Self-Confidence, Social Skills, and Self-Control". One of the pages has a list of 10 different possible strategies for dealing with anger. The child is supposed to figure out which are appropriate, and which are not. Pretty much every inappropriate answer was the one Jack thought was right "Because people will leave me alone".

That's heartbreaking and it's frustrating at the same time. I think he got so used to people at his last school just giving up on him (by sending him home when he got so worked up), that he realized he was getting just that - people leaving him alone. To me, I see it as they really did just give up on him. I explained to him in the car on the way home that as much as this new school may make mistakes, they're not going to do that. They are going to stick it out, and do absolutely whatever they can to help him. Mom and dad may make mistakes, but we're not going to give up on him either. His dad told him that as much as he loves Jack, he's willing for Jack to hate him so long as their talks about his behavior lead to him having better days, and making better choices.

So I can only say that I'm feeling down lately. More so than usual. I don't know if there are parents of kids with issues like these who "get used to" the behaviors. The toll it has taken on Jack is immeasurable. I know it's taken a toll on everyone else in this household. Even in physical ways- ways which we may not even be aware. I'm visiting the doctor this morning for something that I've been putting off for some time, because I always worry about what expenses may come up with the kids' medical- eye, dental, etc. But I have had increasing pain in my chest that won't go away, and I'm actually starting to get scared. Once I get reassurance that all is well, I'll go back to worrying about everything else but me. That's just how it is around here.