Hurts

Last night I was feeling irritated.. I guess in one of those moods where I feel like people don't care or don't understand about Jack. I mean, I'm sure they do care, but honestly I don't even understand about Jack sometimes! As I was at the kitchen table trying to talk to my husband about it, an email came in on my tablet about an incident that happened yesterday at school. (The principal emailed me- apologetically, because she was unable to call me about it after the fact, but that something else came up that she needed to attend to):

As Jack was walking outside to the parent pick up line, he was asked by a teacher to go around the muddy area instead of walking through the mud. He got upset and blew in her face. He then called her a moron and hit her multiple times.

Um, so obviously that didn't go over too well with any of us. My husband spent some time yelling, I spent some time crying, Jack was on the verge of emotional breakdown... beer was purchased, and I shut my office door and hid in the dark..

Sometimes I think my family can withstand this (sometimes) nightmare of a situation. Other times, I feel like my husband would be happier not to have to deal with Jack at all. He loves him, but he feels like he's done absolutely all he can- said absolutely all he can- and nothing is working. You know how guys can be. If they can't fix what they feel HAS to be perfect, they move on. They'll leave the broken object sitting in a corner, or toss it out. I don't know if I think my husband feels exactly this way, but he's definitely been trying to fix Jack in his own way, since Day 1- despite countless sober reality checks that he just can't. Jack is Jack. I can't "fix" him, and my husband can't "fix" him. Plus he's a boy. We're not dealing with a car or a computer, for crying out loud. He's still our son, though. We have to love him, even though he's imperfect- even though WE are imperfect. God knows, we are imperfect.

So while I picture myself growing old with my husband- because countless times I'm reminded why he's the right one for me- I feel like he would be happier if I took off with Jack. He can deal with Savannah- though as we get nearer to her "cycle" starting, I see him wanting to claw his eyes out. But that would make me look absolutely evil to take Jack and not Savannah. I don't want to leave her behind. She's a good kid, and despite how irritating she gets sometimes (as do all kids now and then!), I do feel how attached she still is to me, and I love that about her. ;) She needs her mom, and really, I need her. I also need Jack, and I need my husband. So keeping them all, and trying not to feel like I have to choose between any of them.. plus not have the strong urge to run away by myself and force them to live together in (dis)harmony. It's upsetting to say the least.