I am what I am

This isn't some Special Moments blog.. if only. I'm not a negative person, per se. I just get overwhelmed with my son's behavior - his Autism, his ADHD, his whatever else - and I need a place to vent. I don't promote this blog.. I have literally told only 5-6 people about it. If you've happened upon this blog, and it interests you in any way, then great. If not, I won't be offended. This is my account of what is going on with my son- with a smattering of other things mixed in for good measure, but mostly about my son. Some days I don't even have it in me to write about it, but when I do, "it is what it is".

I have thought a bit about making a gratitude blog. Honestly, that's not my style... but I've thought about it. I lose myself a lot being Jack's mom. I don't know what I would be doing right now if he were different. I may work outside of the home, I may have more friends. There's just no way of knowing. I do know that when I am home (often anxiously awaiting a phone call from the school), I can't truly relax. I feel like if I do relax, the call will come. Or I'll be a bad wife because I didn't clean the house while my husband was off working hard to support the family. (That's my screwed up thinking, not his). Maybe there's a slight bit of depression I'm denying exists. I did have a time when I think I was depressed- not just depressed, but overwhelmed and sad. That was when I found myself taking care of two small children all by myself (at least during the day), while learning all about how my dad's cancer was killing him. I felt I had no choice but to medicate at that point- just so I could be a good mom. I ended up weaning myself off Lexapro after only a few months or so. (Boy, did that suck about as bad as daily morning sickness!). I could no longer afford it. I never felt the need for anything after that. Maybe I adjusted to being the mother of two. Maybe I adjusted somehow to my dad dying. Moving on to the diagnoses my son has been given over the years, those things almost seem like child's play. I guess that means I am stronger than I've previously given myself credit for.

So as I think about the gratitude journal, it's mostly to remind me daily of the things I can be happy about, and thankful for. (I've sort of started this on my Instagram account, just taking pictures of things that make me happy). At any given moment, my life could be cut short. The lives of my family members could be cut short. They say don't sweat the small stuff, but sometimes even the small stuff seems pretty big when all you worry about is what insane thing your child could be doing at his school this very moment.. and what you could be doing (or aren't doing) to help ensure that those things don't ever happen. I don't know if I'll get this thing going. I'm looking at possibly a New Year's Resolution deal. I have to take care of myself somehow- my body, and my sanity. Some days I feel as though I'm just going through the motions and I don't like that feeling. When I feel like that, I can't possibly be giving my kids and my husband what they need from me.