Lonley

This past Sunday, Jack's friend from his old school had a birthday party. It was great that he (or maybe more likely his mother) invited Jack. I was sort of nervous about how it would go, because Jack isn't a huge fan of bowling. We've tried it a couple of times, and he just hasn't been into it. He ended up taking off his shoes and wandering. Since I didn't like the idea of him wandering around during a party, I decided to stay with him.

Jack brought a stuffed animal with him. A Pokemon character backpack. I wasn't really thrilled with the idea, thinking about how the other kids would react. Would they tease him? Would he start to feel uncomfortable with it being there? Jack was adamant we take it with us, believing that it was important his stuffed animal "experience a party". Jack didn't want it to sit by me, was careful not to react when a friend touched it, but definitely did not care for how I held it when I did carry it for him. (I believe Jack told me that it didn't appreciate how I was carrying it). Sigh.

Jack did fairly well with the bowling part, which was great. The kids cheered him on, and I think he was proud of himself. Then they had cake, and I could tell Jack was trying to fit it- joining in the conversation, inserting humor here and there, etc. I did notice there were times when the other kids looked at him. Kids who hadn't seen him in quite a while. He's changed a lot in a relatively short period of time. He's taller than some of them, and definitely the heaviest. He chose a shirt that was very tight fitting, and when he raised his arms, his stomach showed. Over a year ago, he was skinny as a rail. Now, my sweet boy is solid as a rock, and don't even get me started on the teeth that are permanently ruined. (I am crying just thinking about it).

When they posed against a wall for group pictures, that was really when it struck me how different he was. I mean, I know he is, though in many ways he is a 10 yr old boy. But he's kind of the oddball. He also insisted on having his stuffed animal with him for the pictures. Sigh.

Today Jack had a rough day at school. He started talking about shooting off in a rocket to space. I realized later he wants to be Calvin.. and after I picked him up at school, he mentioned wishing he could take his stuffed animal with him to go on some adventures. In other words, the toy is his Hobbes. The Husband thinks the pretend talk is to avoid school work. But when he is also talking about it in the car on the way home, that's not avoiding.. maybe avoiding reality. I don't know. It just makes me sad for him. Even his Intervention Specialist is concerned that he's pushing interactions with friends away for a fake reality that sounds more appealing. This is the opposite of what we want a boy with Autism to be doing. For the husband, it frustrates me that all he can see is a kid shirking all responsibility, and giving all attitude, and not appreciating what he has. Not that this isn't what Jack does, or has done, but that's not all of it.

I saw a picture of my husband and our daughter up on the fridge.. and realized there aren't any (or at least there are very few) of Jack with his dad. (So I took the picture down). I keep hearing all of these news stations talking about Peter Lanza and how he thinks that his son Adam would have killed him with no second thoughts.. and how he wishes Adam had never been born. I am not suggesting Jack's dad doesn't love him, but sometimes that boy and his life (the things we know about from the news) just hits me in the gut and makes me feel really sick to my stomach. What that kid did was the worst possible thing a human could do. Just the worst kind of evil. Yet, I can't help but wonder what went wrong with him. What was wrong that nobody could figure out? Why did his dad leave him? He couldn't handle it? Decided to shirk his own responsibilities and then .. I don't know, just left the mom to figure it all out on her own?

I see my son as lonely. Nobody truly gets him, and maybe nobody will. Nobody has yet to put the pieces of the puzzle together. As his mom, I wish I could force them together in a way that made some sense, but maybe it's just not to be. The feeling of loneliness that I have, hurting for my son and yet hurting for those who can't have a "normal" relationship with him (because they can't bring themselves to, or because they're too worried about all of the negative, so they don't want to try).. it's a lonely feeling. Realizing that I worry too much, and I hover too much when I don't need to. Those make me stand out, therefore I'm alone.

The husband is resigned to the fact that Jack will be Jack, and we'll never "fix" him. Jack will always have an attitude problem, and .. who knows what else. That's hard to take when you have to listen to someone you love bash someone else you love. Even if the bashing is from a place of desperation and little-to-no hope, it still hurts. Hurts bad. I have to deal with that alone, too.