Tears

I've had trouble the last two nights, either falling asleep or staying asleep. As bad as things have been this year, I hadn't been laying awake anxious every night like I did the last year, and the years before, wondering what mayhem my son would get up to during school the next day. That could be because by this point, he's just going to do something pretty much every day. Same sh*t, different day, as they say.

However, I look at my son these days and I see a kid physically unrecognizable from a couple of years ago. So totally different. I feel sick, I feel sad, I feel sorry.. What in God's name did any of us- DID HE- ever do to deserve THIS??

I say to myself I know exactly what I did. It's something I said once.. or maybe twice.. about another mom whose son has Autism. The choices she made. That's a horrible thing, to pass judgement on someone. I am not them, I can't possibly know why they made the choices they did. They didn't deserve THIS any more than Jack, or my family. Their son certainly doesn't. He's a sweet boy. I have a sweet boy, too. He's in there. He just can't always show it.

I cried last night because of the disconnect between Jack and his dad. I talked with him in the car about the things we can do together when he's a grown up. When I mentioned some neat "guy" things he could do with his dad, he just sort of zoned out. I love my husband, and I love my son. But there is a strong sense that for as much as I feel like I've failed Jack somehow, that so has his dad. Maybe not on purpose. I think Jack's dad has a touch of Autism himself. That, and his dad wasn't there for him because he was working hard, long hours. Jack's dad just hasn't bonded with his son the way other dads have with their kids. I see that when Jack's around his friend's dad. His friend's dad high-fives him, encourages him, gives him a hug, is very genuine when he say "You're great!". That doesn't really exist in this house. I got an image of Jack's dad doing those things with him, and I literally felt like vomiting. Why? Because it was a conjured up image of what I wish would happen.

Jack is a huge pain in the butt sometimes. He is stubborn, he blurts things out,.. the funny thing is he is SO much like his dad. So they butt heads. Instead of encouraging Jack, his dad spends more of his time and effort DIScouraging him from doing things. I mess up, too. I often point out things he shouldn't be doing instead of the things he IS doing (that are right). Jack's dad hasn't been able to stop himself from pointing out all of the wrong things, and instead, boosting Jack's self esteem by pointing out when he does the right things.

That's it for me, in a nut shell. BOOSTING Jack's self esteem. Jack's dad is more worried about Jack respecting him, but he hasn't realized that this train has already left the station. It ain't coming back. Not unless or until Jack is mature enough and in the right frame of mind at some point in his later years, to see that his dad tried. He may have been (often) unsuccessful, but he tried.

I need Jack's dad on board with me about doing this. Again, I'm not perfect. I also struggle sometimes with Jack's sister when it comes to this stuff, and I think that has a lot to do with how I was raised by my mother- who was a sh*tty mother, in my opinion. So I get dumped on when I make mistakes. I also do try to be different. I don't want to go out of my way to say "Don't do this today. Don't hurt your teacher today. Don't yell at your friends today". You can't just go around telling a child who NEEDS to feel loved, that you already don't think he's going to do well today. Why not say "Hey, have a great day today!"

I LOVE my husband, and I LOVE my son. This is me- literally between a rock and a hard place. These two "men" in my life who make me feel desperate to run away.

*Edited to add.. Jack's friend's dad is a great guy, but not perfect. I'm certainly not suggesting he's a better person or father than Jack's dad. He has it rough, too. His oldest stepson has all of Jack's issues, and I know it's very hard for him to deal with that. It's probably easier for him to deal with Jack, who is not his kid, who may be quirky, but is usually pretty well behaved when he's over at their house.