Great stress, little reward

And now it's 5 am. I've been awake for the last hour or so, stressing and being generally upset over my son and about his dad's lack of bonding with him.

I've been reminded repeatedly that after Jack was born, I went into my own world. The Husband had to take care of Savannah, who was still in diapers herself. You know what? Forgive me (NOT!) if taking care of two young kids all day wiped me out to the point of exhaustion.. and mix in the fact that I was very upset about my dad being extremely sick. I couldn't pass Jack off to him to drink out of a bottle, because Jack wasn't ever able to do that. I was depressed, I was tired.. I was overwhelmed.

So that already put the relationship between father and son to the test, or probably kept them from bonding like my husband did with our daughter. (IS this MY fault??)

I have pointed out every now and then how I wish my kids had some of the same experiences growing up that I did.. things like camping, fishing, etc. My husband is not a "sporty" type, he's not an active type, and he doesn't seem to believe in doing things with his kids. He didn't want to try doing things with them until they were old enough to be involved in any meaningful way. He's now doing some board games with Savannah, but Jack isn't into that stuff. But he won't even take the kids with them to the store, either. Jack asks, but almost never will the Husband take him. Jack wants to spend time with his dad, and the opportunity just doesn't come.

I have to tell myself that it's because Jack's dad didn't get that with his own dad. But is that a good excuse for the behavior? Jack's dad didn't talk to him about puberty either, so of course that means my husband can't have those conversations with Jack. I get to. Does this bother me? Yes, it does. Not because I mind the conversations per se, but because I see it as HIS job as a father. I'm not a male. I don't have the mind set or the body parts, so why the hell do I have to do it?

I remember the times my dad took me with him on his runs to the grocery store. My husband would find it silly to drag a kid along with him to grab Pepsi or whatever. I see how taking a 12 year old boy would be a huge inconvenience to him. My dad often just left me in the car. But I remember him bringing me. That seems to be the important thing. He was gone all day, too. Often much later hours than my husband, because of his type of work. But he made an effort to be there in some way. He took me to the park to play "Catch". This stuff my husband just will not do. He doesn't think to do, or won't do.. not sure which. It's only when we're all together, and if he's amenable to it.

So I'm trying to find a mentor of sorts for my son. Of course my husband thinks it's a waste of time, a bad idea, etc.. and now I'm finding myself wondering if he's saying all of this because I essentially have to turn elsewhere to give Jack a father figure.. when he's got a dad who should be fully capable of doing this stuff with him at home.

I literally just want to scream right now. If I tell him my concerns, he will of course take it personally. He will sulk for quite a while, he'll probably go out of his way even more so to distance himself from his family.. it makes me want to cry, because I feel helpless in this. I also feel angry. Because I think as a husband, he's great. He's also a great provider.. but an emotional provider of our kids? That's not really his calling. I thought it would be, because he actually looked forward to having children.

I have to give my son twice as much emotional support, and it's draining. I have to listen to complaints about why Jack is the way he is, and so on.. rants that cut deep because there's truth to those words. In this case, I can't feel sad for my husband's lack of whatever he missed out on with his own dad. He has to take responsibility for the kind of dad HE is.